Behind the Scenes, the Self-Talk Rages On

I didn't want to post this. In fact, I wasn't going to post anything at all.

The inner critics are there at every turn.

Hi friends,

It’s me, Tatiana. Tonight, I enter your inbox feeling empty-handed. This week’s Brazenface isn’t a vivid multi-media medley. There isn’t a saucy story from one of my latest quests for cojones. There isn’t an essay that I spent all weekend editing. There is just this: an admission of defeat. 

This isn’t what was supposed to happen. Today, I woke up bright and early and sat at my desk, ready to work on a piece that wasn’t this. I had the finished storyboard, a vision that kept getting bigger and a resolve that kept me up at night. The last part—the most arduous part—was bringing the storyboard to life with finished illustrations. 

But the story wasn’t going to be done in time. Because it would require a lot of time to get it to where I needed it to be. The self-induced expectations snowballed into self-induced stress. I felt frozen. Blocked by the bigness of what lay before me. Is this even good? How will I get this done? This will never be right if I rush.

I debated not sending out a post today and waiting until my vision was complete. That would be familiar Tatiana territory: chasing the perfection of a finished product. There might be cracks, but at least it’d be whole. At least I could be proud I made it through. But zero-ing into the pain within the artistic process? The moments of doubt before the creative deed is done? Are you kidding? 

As I sat at my desk, owning up to this struggle felt scarier. Waiting to post the finished product, Here you go! Another bold move! Done! and act like nothing had happened in getting there felt fraudulent—and even cowardly. 

So I started writing the truth instead. 

As of Friday morning, I am back in New York City, my favorite place on planet earth. I arrived to my apartment lugging cases of clothing, goals, ideas, and heaping stress around how to make them all happen.

Within this state of transition, I feel massive pressure to show up—in my social life, my career life, my brazen life. I expect myself to give my all to it all, without ever coming up for air.  

But what I need most is breathing room. The time to make things right, to give the creative—and the just-moved-in—juices the proper time to marinate and settle in. 

Of course, there’s an internal pause: Didn’t you promise yourself you’d only publish something you’re fully proud of? Something that’s “worth” subscribing to? Aren’t you supposed to be brazen?

Something I fear deeply, oh so undeniably deeply, is letting people down. And today, by delivering something simple and unimaginative, I worry I am. But rather than run away until I can return under the cloak of “complete,” I am showing up and hitting “publish” on a piece I never planned on writing in the first place. 

I am showing up for myself, giving myself the space and self-care I need. I am showing up for you, being uncomfortably real and letting you see a different side to my brazen face. This isn’t in-your-face guts. This is a tiny moment of personal, important, and unplanned courage. Being open about what I’m confronting; being real about what I need.

This summer, I’m braving a new transition: adulthood in New York. The adventures that unfold are coming. They just need time. 

With a big hug,

Tatiana

• Starting The Artist’s Way: For over a year, I’ve wanted to take this on but been too daunted by its potential rigor—until I could no longer ignore the calling when a group Artist’s Way Zoom course came my way.

• Hosting a group hang: I am the biggest fan of one-on-one hangs; groups have never been my “thing.” To mark my arrival back to New York, I challenged myself to bring together a bunch of friends all at once—and it was the most foreign fun.

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Tatiana Gallardo is gearing up for the heat in her old college stomping ground: Manhattan. She’s already doing scary new things. Like scary things right now. And she’s hoping you’ll stay tuned for the next adventures—after she’s given them the proper tender love and creative care.